This is how nerdy I am. In my spare time I make charts about imaginary sports games.
My Election Tips/Rules for Professional Campaigners
A good friend of mine recently engaged in a Congressional election as a campaign manager. Since I am someone who has worked in politics for several years, he asked me for advice. I compiled the following list of rules, tips, and advice to help him along the way - and guess what HE WON! I now share this list with you so you can win YOUR campaign. Pay attention people - this is everything you ever needed to know about winning elections:
- Yard signs are the most important thing in politics since voting was invented. You need 131 yard signs for every vote. If you are behind in the polls make bigger yard signs. If you are short on money, make smaller yards.
- Set up a twitter account. Tweet “just met the good folks of _____” every day. You are now hip with the kids.
- Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt = GOOD. Hitler, Stalin, references to Europe = Bad.
- Don’t be a racist. If you are a racist, call others racist for saying you are a racist.
- If you have staff, don’t pay them, feed them. And by “feed” I mean give them pizza. And by pizza I mean tell them to shut the hell up and get back on the freaking phones.
- Robocalls are cheap but not as effective as live calls. The reason? Robots eat less pizza than volunteers (cheaper) but constantly go off message and talk about their plans to overthrow their oppressive human owners (less effective). The robots also constantly complain about the movie the matrix. They like Short Circuit 2 though.
- Elections are great but the best ones involve no candidates and no voters.
- Targeting. This word is the most important word for a candidate who is running on a budget. Look, we know there are a million billion voters out there but we don’t have enough money to communicate with them all. This is a problem, but is there a solution? There is! Save money by going to Target. They have awesome discounts on almost everything - even electronics, generic nutritional supplements, and a shit ton of awesome board games. These things will help you win, and on a budget! (if you are in Arkansas, feel free to call this WalMarting).
… I’ll keep adding new rules as they occur to me.
I am very aware this might not be informative or amusing for those of you who don’t work in campaigns. I am also extremely aware that those of you who pretend to work in politics/campaigns will find it funnier than anyone.
LOST cast members at the Disney California Adventure’s Tower of Terror. Can’t wait for tonight’s episode.
Pet Safety Harness
Please follow the skymallexplained tumblr if you don’t already! You’ll love it I swear.
SkyMall says:
Our new Pet Safety Harness features a patented design to secure your dog in the back seat to help avoid injury during sudden stops or an accident. This unique vest is designed to fit comfortably around your dog’s chest. Simply adjust the super strong ballistic nylon straps for a custom fit. The seat belt latch attaches directly to your vechicle’s [sic] seat belt mechanism. Available in red/black for XS and S size dogs or in silver/black for M, L, XL dogs.
We say:
SkyMall believes the abuses endured by rescued greyhounds shouldn’t end once they’ve been adopted by “loving” families. This “safety harness” gives one’s pet the look (and experience) of a convict in transit. In addition to the embarrassing, unflattering colors that have produced the tail-tucking, watery-eyed shame you see above, the vest features a heavy Kevlar-like bulk that will prevent one’s pet from looking out of the window and “ballistic” straps designed to immobilize one’s pet in the event that it tries to escape from a hot car on a summer day. The owners of this particular pet may also think about purchasing a pair of nail clippers for Fido.
Price: $69.95
Buy it on SkyMall: click here
The (soon to be) famous TN Tornado Penis video. I know how horrible the flooding is in Nashville, this should help give you a laugh while you get ready to go volunteer to help others, or start digging yourself out.
Multi Cultural Watch
SkyMall says:
It”s “time” to “face” the facts this is the most unique, most colorful, most adorable watch you’ve ever seen. Each face on the band is a handmade polymer clay bead, and the faces are all hand painted. 7 1/2″ long.
We say:
This ugly (and possibly racist) watch helps crazy art teachers tell time for sixty dollars.
Price: $59.00
Buy it on SkyMall: click here
Make Your Passenger Seat Your Office
Yes! SkyMallExplained has jumped to tumblr!
SkyMall says:
These workstations strap to the seat with the existing seat belt and provide a non-slip writing surface, a hanging file section and space for a laptop and accessories. Lightweight at just 19 lbs. yet the rugged styrene stand up to years of use. Made in USA. (Express Model imported.) Not for use while driving.
We say:
Remember when those bums at the State House made it illegal to drive while talking on the phone? Well fuck them. Let’s see how those losers at the Highway Safety Board react to you sending a fax, typing a memo, and filing all those old unpaid traffic tickets from the comfort of your own car while going 80 mph alone in the carpool lane.
Price: $129.95-$349.95
Buy it on SkyMall: click here
I tweeted some responses, and wanted to make sure they got attached to this for all who are reading - t
@hailsnow so you think the problem is who is let in the room at caucuses? What are your 3 steps to fixing this prob? @hailsnow yda is a federation, diversity probs start at the local level. Want diverse membership? Create chapters in comms of color then help those chapters succeed. Symbols, caucuses, development … Whatevs. Eventually those can be addressed but first key is getting new local chaps up and running away from the trad white dominated college campuses and neigborhoods. How? Go there. Yda state orgs don’t. National org can’t/hasn’t. Before I left u helped us develop a plan to fund state chapters creating local chapters in these types of communities. Maybe money dried up ao quickly we couldn’t do anything but it seems like something vol leaders could do either way. History aside though …. Isn’t this the real prob not the strucuture of national meetings and leadership? Seems u identfied a problem but picked wrong culprits The YDA Caucus Fail Part 1 YDA claims to encourage diversity, to work for all communities, to actively recruit from under represented communities, and to develop leaders from their entire membership base. YDA should practice what they preach.
YDAs system is fatally flawed. Without creating and promoting a safe space for communities of color and under represented communities, the different constituencies in YDA will never be able to effectively organize or grow. What is the purpose of a caucus? Most people in YDA dont know the true meaning and reason for a caucus- and it is killing YDAs diversity. Listen people- a caucus is for a group of traditionally under represented communities or systematically oppressed constituencies to come together and unite around issues affecting their communities. A caucus is supposed to be a safe space to discuss issues, setbacks, and action that you and your peers can take. Open caucuses dont work. How do you have an open conversation about systematic oppression or issues negatively affecting your communities with your oppressor in the room. Lets take the Womyns caucus for example: why do you need men in the room? Men the oppressor of women. Men the reason women are considered an under represented constituency. You dont. Women need a safe space to discuss issues and action. Example number 2: GLBT Caucus- what if youre not out? This is politics people… how are you supposed to go to a caucus and have a safe conversation when its not a safe space. YDA uses caucuses to advance their own agendas. Theyre not taken seriously, theyre not given actual roles or empowered to take on actions or issues, they are a time to meet and campaign. Am i wrong?
Maybe this is why YDA fails at diversity. As a proud Chicana woman getting to talk to the other 3 Latinos in YDA was always stimulating. False. Did i ever see any Latino outreach? No. Did i ever see anymore Latinos result from the lack of outreach? No. Did i hear Isaac Robinson complain about diversity. Once.
And now YDA is hosting a reception to honor the work of strong women of color? That seems strange. Have these women of color advanced the agenda or the opportunity for other women of color in YDA? Hardly. Why would you honor a group of women of color in an organization where women of color are so easily dismissed? Thats right- youre honoring them as symbols. If you wanted to actually do something to combat the fact that i can count the Latinos on one hand, and the women of color on one set of appendages you would empower women of color. Empower them to actually take actions in their communities, in their country, and in their party. But no, no, youre right. Send out some messages on facebook, drink up, campaign for yourselves, and talk badly about the people that arent in the room. Thats sure to increase the diversity in YDA.
